Sometimes I feel like giving up.
On autism I mean.
Sometimes I feel like going back in time and not getting an assessment and not having this thing (which isn’t actually a thing at all but people think it’s a thing) that others think they can use against me.
In fact I feel I have given up a bit.
I wanted to be an autism advocate. And I’m not succeeding.
I wanted to say “You’ve got us all wrong.”
I wanted to say “Look if I can get an expert to say I have Aspergers – and look at me with my empathy and motherliness and clean washing and good hygiene and life-loving spirit and GSOH and no outward physical signs- then maybe it’s a lot more complicated and misunderstood than you thought!”
But I noticed that suddenly everyone was talking to me about autism in an ugly way. As if it couldn’t hurt me. They hadn’t changed their views about autism, no, weirdly they changed their views about me. I am still surprised daily at this. How did I somehow change?
I noticed people began to assume I was the unreasonable one in an argument when before they wouldn’t have been so quick to judge. People changed what they thought I could understand or was capable of. What the actual fuck?!
I felt no longer equal. I felt I became an alien.
I also felt that people who might perhaps themselves be autistic were afraid, and instead of thinking “Well if Rachel’s okay and not ashamed then maybe I should look into my own neurology because it’s clearly nothing to be afraid of” they were actually happier putting me into a box with a label and remembering what they’d read about this bad thing (that’s not actually a thing or bad) and not who I actually was. Or who they were. Worryingly I don’t think people realise they are being so derogatory or that it matters.
I’m still, quite frankly, gobsmacked at the things kind, loving people say about autistic people. I’m still stunned into silence on a daily basis at the categorising and the language used by otherwise caring, sweet people who have drawn a line they know they shouldn’t cross concerning what they shouldn’t say or assume for fear of offence and yet somehow autism slipped over and they can say offensive things about autism. I am offended daily. Properly hurt.
I feel I’ve been repeating myself for over four years and not getting heard.
I know one person, ONE PERSON, who admits they fit into most of the stereotypes about autism (Hello if you’re reading this!) The rest of those I know don’t think they do, and I don’t think they do either. And even then no one fits ALL the stereotypes. It isn’t possible. None of us are the same. I thought I’d made that clear but it’s not getting through. We didn’t come off a conveyor belt. But even those who do come closer to the old, offensive text book descriptions deserve better language, better respect and space for them to tell you how it is – not the other way round.
“Autistic people do …”
“Autistic people can’t do …”
Autism is part of a person’s personality, part of a whole. If you take away autism you leave a shell, a zombie. When you insult autism, you insult a human being. Being autistic isn’t about being plugged into a list of disorders from a nasty book that are external to a better self. You can’t unplug us and cure us. It’s about a plethora of nuances that make the person you love the person you love.
You non-auties – I don’t want to remove your insane love of gravy or your passion for sport or your habit of slinging your coat over the banister when you walk in the door or that little whistling thing you do when you’re nervous. And the things that society does that make things difficult for you? I want society to adapt, not you. And when you’re not coping with a situation I want to take you out of that situation not insist you try harder. I don’t want to unplug your nuances that are unique to you.
There’s nothing we ALL do. Nothing. Not one thing. There’s nothing we all can’t do either. Nothing. Not one thing. (Well apart from all the things that are in fact impossible.)
I feel like going back in time, sitting in a room with my psychologist and this time laughing and joking and asking her about her family and not helping her at all.
I feel like making direct eye contact and smiling and keeping my hands still (I can do this for hours if I need to) and choosing different stories from my childhood this time. I can do what all the undiagnosed autistics do. Reject. Pretend. Deny. Retain the privilege to offend.
I feel like waiting for my assessor to deliver her opinion that I may have a few traits but it’s probably just anxiety and that I am in fact not autistic.
Because I could do that. I could.
(Apart from the going back in time thing.)
But I won’t deny. I will continue with my solidarity. I will continue to hope respect will improve considerably. I will continue to hope everyone will catch up. I will continue to be more patient, understanding and forgiving than people will ever realise because they’re too busy looking through the wrong lens to notice how often I am forgiving them.