Ghosts

img_3545There. Right there. On that spot. We stood right there where the worst of the worst memories hung in the air, lay on the ground, and circled around. I told my little girl nothing. I teased her with taking phone photos and showed her the leavers’ photo from my year: 1986.

How many people remember the floor of their school corridor 31 years on, I wonder? How many people picture it on a regular basis? How many people had to go back years later and stand on the same spot outside the very same room. She has the same tutor room I had. You couldn’t make it up.

It took me three weeks to ask her: ‘What’s your tutor room?’
‘Room 1,’ she replied.
I’d delayed asking her as if I knew already.
I shared some brief memories but shared no pain.

We met her outside. I did jazz hands and was allowed a hug. Cheerful and chatty, we were early and hung about. So much had changed and yet so much hadn’t. The floor tiles rose up to greet me, tease me, loaded with history, with DNA, and I remembered the sounds of 1980’s shoes echoing, of voices egging on my tormentor, of books and folders slapping hard on the cold surface. I remembered her words and my reply. I remembered trying to punch her ankle and trying to shout ‘Bloody bitch!’ as she turned and left me spreadeagled amongst my belongings on the bruisingly hard floor. But my voice came out reedy and tight with self-pity or shock or from the beginnings of tears. I’m not sure which. I just remember I felt weak, ineffectual, beaten.
I didn’t cry though. I went straight into Room 1, collapsed in my usual place at the table I shared with the some of the other girls in our tutor group, and ranted a little. I was pissed off, confused and stunned.
It never happened again. She’d done it. She was pleased with herself perhaps or maybe she got into trouble for it. I never reported it, though, never complained. Maybe someone else did.

The torment didn’t stop though. The name-calling, the looks, the bitching, the drawing other girls into her campaign against me. The constant, daily chipping away at me. I was unaware that the emotional abuse was bullying too. I just knew I hated it, hated her, hated school, hated myself. I feared my every move, my every garment, too much make-up, not enough make-up, too thin, too tall, too clever, too musical? Which was it she hated the most? Who else hated me? I had my suspicions. The subtle abuse continued too: bitching loudly in groups about me so that my closest friend would come and tell me the worst. I found out I was short-sighted that year. I didn’t wear glasses but walked around in a haze and couldn’t see the teachers’ writing on the boards in class. Everything else fell apart because of how I felt about myself.
I ran a mile home for lunch every day, I stopped attending choir – although singing was my favourite thing. Teachers began to dislike me and misunderstand me. I wasn’t aware that I appeared different or difficult but they reacted to me as if I did.

I don’t think about her. Not as a person. I don’t really care about her. It’s more that I feel broken by school and those months that bruised me so badly.

Do I feel better now I’ve been back and stood on that spot again?
Yes and no.
img_3549
Yes, I’m glad my child and my husband stood grinning on those cold cold floor tiles and helped me water down my visual memories with new ones.
And, no. No because I don’t like how I feel now. I don’t like it at all.

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