My Happiness is Not My Own

I’m touching the edges of today’s latest horrors in my mind. My pulse skitters and I choose to distract myself; to float a little away from it perhaps. Acknowledge but not absorb. No photos yet for me, no TV news. Not yet. 

It’s always there that the world is peppered with horrors. I know I will take some time at some point today to imagine a celebration gone wrong, see a truck advancing, hear screams of horror and desperation but I try to keep a little away from it for now just to function. 
On top of so much sadness already, on top of so much disappointment in other humans: another layer of pain. And the reasons, the consequences. What good are we if we don’t think about those and try to change things, try to change ourselves?

I’m still blinking away photos of animal cruelty I came across against my will yesterday. Shared thoughtlessly. My body and mind sank into the suffering. My chest ached. I can’t un-see, un-feel. 

I took as much as I could bear of our political chaos yesterday and allowed some time to ponder consequences for those who will suffer the most and for the future of our world. I’m so sad for the narrow, short-term way so many minds work. For so much to go unchecked, unchallenged. I’m so hurt and horrified by nastiness dressed up as necessary. 

I can’t detach myself from any of this. I am part of this, part of all of this. Everything is connected. Everyone is connected. 

I can look away. I can distract myself. I can think I have removed myself. I can know what I don’t trust, what I don’t believe. I can know what is good for me me me me ME!!! But deep down I know that what is for the greater good, what serves the most people- what gives the widest health and security is good for me. 

My happiness is not me. My happiness is my world.

So I’m here. In it. Waiting for it to hurt. Again. Because helpless feels a little bit better than detached. Feeling feels awful but not feeling isn’t an option. Wishing it really was so simple as a time for everything but knowing some people never ever get to dance.  

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