Clean Slate

The worst thing about autism is the problem of where to go with feelings, with emotions. They don’t go away or wear out or get overtaken by something else. They circle, they plague, they start fires and they burn. 
Things hurt so badly and burn so strongly that they overwhelm. 

Everything is about other people and yet they’ll never know or believe that. They can’t see me acting in the way they expect at the moment they expect it. I’m always trying to get my actions to keep up with my reactions but I know I’m out-of-time and for that reason I’m failing. 

I’ve realised today that the reason I don’t form many life-long friendships is that I simply don’t trust myself to get it right. I’m inconsistent and unreliable. And I cannot change that. And my low self-esteem means I see every failure as my fault. And every failure haunts for forever. It’s easier not to bother however much I like someone. I stack up my failures like a brick wall.

A clean slate is an impossible metaphor for me. Nothing ever goes away. I punish myself for forever. I wonder if that is why the “meltdown” phenomenon is such an autistic thing. If we can’t clear the decks, wipe that slate clean; if we can’t ever bring about that what’s done is done/ fresh start feeling, then maybe a feeling of setting fire to what’s troubling us is the only way to go. 

It lets off steam, it wears me out but it never fixes anything, 

 Good god, I feel so fragile and incompetent right now. 

One thought on “Clean Slate

  1. Incompetent you are NOT.
    Real friendship is about being able to be yourself with that person, ‘not getting it right’. If someone can’t accept you as you are then they are not a true friend, and YOU are lovely.

    Like

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