January Fallout

I’m sorry to write another miserable post just about me but I don’t have anyone to talk to. No one ever offers to listen to me and people rarely ask me how I am, so I go for long periods of time winding myself up and getting confused about what’s what. I’m sorry if this offends anyone. I thought writing it here might help me to think about things. And I do understand how asking me how I am isn’t simple: I’ll either lie because I’m afraid or I’ll say too much.
I’ve become unwell since Christmas. It’s become harder and harder for me to stay asleep at night and every morning I am not only tired but really thick and foggy and can’t rouse myself. As if heavily drugged, I’ve been falling back to sleep again when I should be seeing our youngest child off to school (fortunately her dad takes her) and having bad dreams.
When I do get up I’m fed up that the morning is half over and I can’t grasp any sort of meaning or sense of achievement from the day. I have managed to bounce back day after day, and every night I’ve told myself tomorrow is another day. I am a surprisingly optimistic person. But it keeps happening and I’m running out of bounce. It’s now 11am and I’ve done nothing. I still have to shower and get dressed – which takes me an hour. I can’t stand losing days. I don’t want to get up late. I don’t know how to achieve something positive today and move on, and that’s not like me. I just feel angry and helpless.
I’m also having to watch what I eat because I’m really prone to yeast infections – they rampage through my whole body – and I react badly to sugar. So I’m scared of food at the moment and going through hunger and then impulsive eating and getting headaches and itching in my inner ears.
I’m sitting on the bedroom floor not knowing whether to do yoga, have a shower or cry.
I hate this so much, and I know it’s all because I’ve pushed myself and not had restorative time or activities. The trouble is “me time” and restorative activities necessarily involve me not being there for everyone (sometimes for anyone) or taking part in “normal” life. They are time-consuming episodes.
It breaks my heart that I must put in so much more energy just to do ordinary, everyday things that others seem to do easily, and go for so long being big and brave and grown-up, and that no one knows how it stretches me and chips away at my health.
I want to do the things I do (and much, much more), I want to be all the things I am to all the people I care about. But it’s clear I can’t, and today this is making me so very sad.
Some autistic people are obviously autistic. Some of us hide it – too well, perhaps. And I’m not sure that’s always a good thing.

I know that suggesting no one offers me an ear is not entirely true and will come across as insensitive, but it’s important to realise the enormity of the feeling that comes with the sense of loneliness and desperation when this low hits. There is an overwhelming feeling that there really is nowhere to go, there really is no one to turn to, and life is a solitary battle. All my life I have internalised my struggles and never known who to tell what to.
But it is part of a pattern too: this will pass and I will become unwilling to talk. I am not in constant need of therapy or a shoulder to cry on and I am unwilling to be seen as such.
This is about me, not other people.

18 thoughts on “January Fallout

  1. in my thoughts. sounds trite, but I’ve been where you are now, and no doubt will be again. I’ve no solutions for depressive and lethargic inertia beyond trying to cope and trying for a better pattern.
    so, am thinking of you.


  2. Sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. Be kind to yourself. Hope you feel better soon. Lots of love xxx


  3. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling miserable, Rach. Lack of sleep manages to bugger everything up, and on top of everything else it must feel quite overwhelming. Great big hugs to you, and I hope your lovely family manages to rally around to give you what you need to recover and get back to “normal”. Big hugs xxx


  4. January buggers me up every year. I want to feel optimistic and positive and full of energy but I just feel depressed and lethargic and like you it takes me all morning just to get going. That feeling of wasting half of every single day is, soul destroying but I guess it is what it is and no matter what I do, I can’t change it. As usual I have no answers but I am with you in spirit and sending you virtual love xx


  5. Don’t apologise for how you feel – you feel the way you feel.

    I’m sorry life is tough for you at the moment. It being January doesn’t help either – she can be a bit if a bitch.

    Lack of sleep is one of the most debilitating things there is.

    This too will pass – is a wise old saying and cling to that – it will. Don’t hesitate to see your GP either, if you feel it’s appropriate. Insomnia and lethargy and weepiness are all signs of depression – and I know you probably know this but it’s worth saying again – -depression is nothing to be ashamed of and it can be helped like lots of other illnesses.

    You look after r. A short walk is fine, as is a catnap, or just five minutes of yoga stretches and breathing – little is better than nothing. Small steps, Mrs – just doing what you can.

    Thinking about you. xx


  6. Hugs, love and energy bombs coming your way. Have you tried focusing on when you do feel great. Or try and focus on a moment that is joyful to you. Especially when you’re feeling low. So when unable to get up try and reframe your thoughts. Don’t concentrate on not being able to get up as that will keep your there. Think of something amazing that’s happened and plug in to the feelings.
    I agree with Anne. A few stretches or yoga poses will get your energy flowing. Sometimes I use used laughter yoga if I feel unable to motivate myself. I just look in the mirror and laugh. It works wonders. Sounds false to start but then becomes real.
    Also try a bit of meditation. The are loads of guided ones on YouTube. Then maybe pick a daily mantra to say to yourself. Such as I no longer need this feeling and lovingly accept myself. It works for me.

    I’ve just started using the 4.7.8 method to get to sleep if I don’t put on a meditation cd. You breath in for a count of 4, hold for a count of 7 and breath out for a count of 8. Seems to work for me. Also the last thoughts you think before sleep will determine how you feel in the morning often. So thinking it will be your best nights sleep and you will awake refreshed is another tip that helps me.

    Anyway if you think that’s all bollox that’s totes fine xxx.



  7. I’m so sorry, lovely Rachel. January can be such a bastard. I write this from my bed, at 11.00am, feeling, as you do, that there are millions of things I could and should have done/be doing. But sometimes, I have to give myself a break. Be less than perfect, bump along a bit slower than normal, and trust that the energy will return and that this will pass. It will. I hope it passes soon for you too. Lots of love xxxx


  8. Whatever it is you’re going through, the lack of daylight hours won’t be helping you to feel any better. Hibernation always looks really attractive at this time of year x


  9. Sounds like my life every single day but luckily I have no other people to deal with anymore. Please post if/when you find a solution. It is horrible to live like this, isn’t it? We will listen when no one else will and feel what you are going through and nothing is too trite or too small for you to write about!!! Please share when you want to. I think of you often and appreciate your posts so much.


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