How to Avoid the World Cup
Turn off your TV until further notice
Turn off your radio until further notice
Don’t read any papers or magazines until further notice
Completely avoid Twitter, facebook and all social media until further notice
Don’t have a job until further notice
Don’t have a family until further notice
Don’t have friends until further notice
Don’t go to any place where other people might be until further notice
When at home keep your doors and windows firmly shut until further notice
Wear headphones or use other devices to drown out the outside world until further notice
Become middle class until further notice.
Do not travel along a street – any street – by any means until further notice. (If you really must get somewhere by means of passing buildings, get someone who can cope with the risk of seeing St George flags or overhearing Tvs to drive, lie in the back of a car with a blanket over your head, wearing a spacesuit, listening to The Best Most Relaxing Not Football Sounds Ever, Volume Eleventy at full volume.)
Be aware that if you go for a quiet walk in the countryside, even there, other people may suddenly appear who may be wearing football t-shirts, talking about football, playing football, listening to football on their radio or just generally exuding a painful air of football enthusiasm.
And on the beach could you cope if someone criss-crossed your raspberry sauce across your vanilla icecream? Think about it.
On Monday 14th July 2014, you may take off your headphones and open your windows a little.
You may stop being quite so middle class. If you ever were…
You must, however avoid all media for at least 2 more weeks and then you may phone a friend and ask them if it’s safe to come out yet.
Spend 5 weeks finding out about really important things that happened in the world, and which you really would have like to have known about had not the whole world’s media gone completely mad.
Start eating icecream again
Decide whether to keep the spacesuit.