We were talking about meltdowns in my assessment on Monday and I said how I’ve managed to avoid many all my life through fear of others and my strong awareness of appropriate behaviour. But that is sure to be the reason I suffered with stomach aches all my life. When I was young I would wait until I could go to bed and cry or I would rip things. After school I would often run home and I think the physical exertion helped. But the feeling of needing to explode doesn’t go away.
As an adult with responsibilities I would say for me it’s got harder. There’s an urge to smash something or scream or run away, and Richard was telling the psychologist how I often sink my teeth into my hand when I’m teetering on the edge. She called this self-harming and I hadn’t thought of it like that before.
When Richard came home on Saturday he found me pacing and winding up. I don’t call it winding myself up because I actually feel at the mercy of something beyond my control. I think I’d waited until there was another adult around. I kept saying I don’t know what to do, I don’t know where to go with these feelings, I need to break something or explode somehow. In this case ranting and pacing and then spending time alone in the rain calmed me down eventually but it’s such a horrible place to be when it’s happening.
Holding on and holding back and being calm all day and just keeping going is so tough. I write lists, I make sure I know what’s important and how to feel I’m achieving but there are still days when, despite actually being quite cheerful and the sun shining, there is a strong desire to stop the world turning because I feel I’m not holding on properly. Shouting and yelling and pacing works to a point but it doesn’t make me feel good: it makes me feel sad that it got to that. Having somewhere I could crawl into and curl up in a ball and have a nap would be nice. But I’m the grown-up, the parent, the adult, the responsible one so I keep on fighting and waiting until the the chance to open a valve and release some steam occurs.
It’s hard being an adult with Asperger’s.
It’s hard being a woman with Asperger’s.
But when you’re a wife and mother too the juxtaposition of domestic bliss and contentment against an overloaded brain and sensory system is often impossible to explain.