Walking Away From My Breakfast

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I think the reason I’m not skinny anymore is other people have reminded me to eat. You have to have meals when you have a partner or a family. When I first tried to live on my own I literally didn’t eat some days. Then I put it down to being on a stupidly low wage and not budgeting properly. But in truth it was largely about organisation and prioritising. (A living wage would have been nice though…)

Sure I get hunger pangs when I’m on my own; I put toast in the toaster. But then I walk away and find things to do while I’m waiting for the toaster to pop.
Just now I decided to load the washing machine while waiting for my toast. I didn’t have enough for a full load so I went upstairs to find some more things to wash. The toaster popped. I went into our youngest daughter’s room and looked for underwear, I went into the bathroom, picked up the bathmat and hung it over the radiator. I saw that the toilet needed cleaning. Again. I cleaned the toilet, the shower, the basin. Half an hour later my toast is still in the toaster.
I’ve pushed it back down to reheat it and walked away again.
I’m going to heat the rice milk for my coffee in the microwave in a minute. And then I’ll heat it up again in about five minutes.

Earlier I had set myself the task of trying to get in and out of the shower and get dressed and be downstairs in half an hour. After 24 minutes I remembered to get in the shower. After an hour I was trying to work out what took me so long.

Some days I am faster. Some days I am slower. Some days I have to rely on adrenalin and panic to get me through an unavoidable deadline or a necessary timescale, but that leaves me feeling unwell. Some days it’s all really funny. Some days I want to cry at the missing time.

Neuro-typical people say they struggle too. But they don’t struggle the way AS people struggle. If they did they would be more understanding.

I suppose one way to describe it would be to say it’s like only doing things because you think you should but really there’s something else – something stronger – operating against what you’re trying to do all the time.
And I mean ALL. THE. TIME.

The world is unbelievably distracting, my mind is unbelievably distracting. I’m not always going where the compass points. All points are the magnetic North with me. You can’t control this ship.

Where was I?
Ah yes: Breakfast.
(It’s 11am already)


PS Don’t feel sorry for me. I’m getting an awful lot of sympathy recently which is nice and heartwarming but realising I’ve been struggling for a reason and can now be honest about my exhausting fight to be normal for so many years is actually quite brilliant. So be happy for me if you want to feel anything. 🙂

PPS You should see my toast…
Toast anyone?


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