I Fooled You All

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I kept my house clean, I kept my kids clean.
I did my washing, I made the beds.
I remembered birthdays. I dressed up.
I smiled and I laughed.

Oh how I laughed. How I played.
How I drank. How I obeyed.

I learnt to cook. I learnt to iron.
I learnt to drive. I pretended to survive.

With my cloths and my spray, I wiped the ‘Table, surfaces, sink, cooker, floor. Table surfaces, sink, cooker, floor.’

With the vacuum cleaner I went ‘Dining room, kitchen, sitting room, hall, stairs. Dining room, kitchen, sitting room hall, stairs’

I picked up the ‘Shoes, coats, washing, rubbish, recycling. Shoes, coats, washing, rubbish, recycling.’

In the bathroom I dealt with the ‘Dirty clothes, towels, basin, bath, toilet. Dirty clothes, towels, basin, bath, toilet.’

At each turn I reprogrammed.
With each task finished, I changed the list. Always five things, always repeated.
Keep the focus, keep on course.
Don’t stop. Don’t talk.
Don’t answer the phone. To stop is to fail.
A changed route means anger and confusion. You’ll never pick up and start again. You’ll lose the power to carry on.

Keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on.
Keep up, keep up, keep up, keep up, keep up.

Keep the rhythm. Keep the pace. Keep up appearances

You have to go out they say. People who don’t go out are depressed, are hermits, are weirdos, are creepy loners.

A drink. Another drink, another and another.
‘Let’s go home.’
‘Let’s stay out.’
‘Another drink.’
‘Drinks at ours!’

Maybe next time?

Please say there won’t be a next time.


I can’t


Talk


Anymore.


No. More. Words.


I can’t cope.

I’ll be that depressed, hermit, weirdo, creepy loner.

I’ll make tea. I’ll sit down. I’ll look at my photos. I’ll write some words. I’ll write a gardening list.

I’ll find me. I’ll find peace. I’ll stop counting in fives.

I didn’t change.

I fooled you all.

For a while.

That was all.


10 thoughts on “I Fooled You All

  1. I’m sending you the biggest hugandsqueeze EVER for this. Thank you soooooo much for finding the words to share the inner life that so many people can’t verbalise, even in writing. You probably can’t even imagine how important what you are doing here is. This blog saves lives. Really.

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  2. to click ‘ I like’ for your blog seems such a disrespectful acknowledgement of the obvious pain you are experiencing. It is so hard to just BE . Accepting yourself for who you are, but then who are you? Its a rocky, unremitting, grind the daily life and to survive you have to try and find pockets of sunshine, tiny moments that are yours. Just yours. Be brave, be patient and be kind. To yourself.

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  3. Are you ok? Hope so. Love your ‘depressed, hermit, weirdo, creepy loner’ We have one of these in my house — me. Except I’m not depressed, just a happy hermit weirdo creepy loner. Technically, I’m not even a loner — but I get what you mean because my favourite people in the world are people who can read a book in the same room as me, and produce a sentence (or cup of tea) about once an hour… or two hours, no rush with the words. I get overwhelmed with too much noise, or input. There is so much to be said for peaceful intimacy, for sharing the tiny noises — leaves in the wind, rain down the chimney, turning pages, or the ‘mmmm’ when you first smell a fresh mug of tea and feel its warmth. We seem to be losing our way a bit with stuff that soothes. Telly is all yah yah, socials are raucous. We evolved to look at forests and rivers, and to go to bed in the dark and snuggle up quietly. At the risk of sounding like a chimp, I think I’m still in that phase.

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    • Same here. Just quoting others! I’m not depressed either. I believe when I’m allowed to just “be” I’m extraordinarily happy. It’s all the other shit that makes me depressed. I’ve found tremendous peace in the last couple of years. Now, if I can just shake off those social expectations… 😉 xxx

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