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Reluctant Soldier

You’ve probably lost count of the times I’ve told you I’m struggling/having a bad patch/need a break/not coping/want to hide in a dark corner.
What you won’t know is I’ve lost count of the times I haven’t told you because I can’t bear to hear myself say it, to make it real, to do this to you, to risk losing you.

A pain rises from my chest, through my throat into my tearducts. The longer and harder I try to stop it the stronger it becomes.
I try to find a space to release the pain.

I’m fighting. Always fighting. But nobody knows.
All around are the battles I’ve lost. Battles I didn’t want to fight.

Maybe some day we can talk about the ones I’ve won and you can be proud of me.

4 Comments Post a comment
  1. I know the battles are relentless but you’re holding your head up and we see you.


  2. Rachel, I’ve read back on some of your posts. Waiting for confirmation of something that you feel is life changing is hard. I know that. But – it won’t change you. You are still you. What it may bring is some relief and understanding. Take gentle care of you x



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