Where to go?

Where do I go with these feelings…?
I’m supposed to be a good girl and calm down and go to sleep now but I can’t. All I can do is tap one-fingered on this phone app and hope that something can be gained by opening the wound and letting words flow, messy and dripping, like blood.

The Thing is visiting again. The thing we now know to call anxiety. Such a cute little word for a total, life-wrecking bastard
It’s floored me.
It’s attacking my skin, my concentration, my moods – God! My moods!… my heartbeat, my energy, my appetite, my whole body. I am swollen, heavy, tearful, angry, confused, uncomfortable, exhausted – yet wide awake, lost.

Lost?
Yes. Lost.

Where do I go?

I walk in a circle. And another circle.
I turn on the washing machine. I forget the detergent.
I burn toast. Again. And again. And again.
I look outside. I can’t go out today.

I’m distracted. But distracted by what?
What was it this time? Christmas worries. Money worries. Family worries. There’s no escape for an imaginative mind that one day imagines perfection and can only be disappointed when it doesn’t deliver, and another day imagines discomfort and can only feel vindicated when it comes true.

It’s late. My chest aches. I want my day back, my week back, my life back.

And I have to get up and do it all again tomorrow.

3 thoughts on “Where to go?

  1. Oh, Rach, I wish I could magic all these feelings away. I wish you could see yourself as I see you: strong, smart, funny, caring and always there for a friend. There is great wisdom from whoever it was who said that we must accept the things we cannot change. You can’t change some people, some ‘things’, but you CAN choose how to react to them. It’s bloody hard and you might not always manage it, but it IS possible. It’s the best lesson I learned to deal with my own demons.
    Sending you much love xxxxx

    Like

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