Did you know that for the last few weeks I have remained just one assignment away from having done enough work to complete a BA degree with the Open University? (or a BSc, come to think of it.) Weeks of knowing that I am just one last push short of the summit but not actually getting there; of putting off and going and doing something else that seems more worthy. I probably could have finished the final assignment four times over by now and be relaxing and celebrating (perhaps not relaxing), and looking at the reading for next year’s literature course but there’s something invisible that’s stopping me.
Why am I not doing it?
There’s always something that stops me from taking a big, healthy bite of life – as if I feel I don’t quite deserve it. I seem to punish myself and be unforgiving – as if I should never be putting my needs or self-improvement or even enjoyment anywhere near the top of what’s important, and I should never get proud or smug about anything. But also there’s a feeling that’s it’s never enough; I should be pushing myself harder and achieving more. Confused? Me too.
You see, however hard I work, however much I do, I never really feel that sense of what-ever-it-is that I realise must be quite a healthy and necessary feeling in order to keep going and feel as if you are getting somewhere but also to feel that you can enjoy something nice.
Today is the first day since the summer holidays started that the children are all out of the house and my husband is off work, helping to lay a patio– which means there is someone to keep an eye on the 5-month-old house-eating dog. So today is the day to get the assignment, if not finished, at least well-and-truly nailed, yes?
I’m already thinking, ‘washing, tidying, bills, emails, one of the shop’s accounts needs looking at, it’s about time I changed the sheets and where’s the 16-yr-old’s bus pass application form?… oh – and how about I write a blog post… ’