A story about daily family madness firing from all directions.
Written in chaotic dialogue
Oh. I don’t know, Henry.
I’m itchy Mummy!
Why don’t you know?
Because I can’t know what you’re thinking.
Mummy! Oh-wuh! It’s still really itchy!
I know Eliza, just try not to scratch… Oh Katy – turn off that Playstation!
It’s not a Playstation, it’s a Wii.
Whatever. Turn it off please. You know the rules.
No, Henry. I told Katy to turn it off, not start a new game.
Argh-argh-argh-argh-argh! Make it stop!
Okay – let’s get some more calamine lotion. Come on ‘lize. Henry! Katy! No, turn it off and go and do some drawing. Jeez, you lot. Okay. Henry turn it off then and Katy come with me.
Oh! Why?! But you said…!
Stop shouting at me Katy and come and get dressed… All I wanted to do was load the bleedin washing machine… it’s not like I was trying to have any fun…
You were shouting at me!
Was I? Yes, well, I was trying to be heard.
And I need to be heard too, Mummy. You told Henry you can’t know what he’s thinking. Can you know what I’m thinking?
I do try to. I try hard to know what you’re all thinking and Daddy and Grandpa and old Mrs. Morgan when she drives at a hundred miles an hour out of the Denby Road junction without stopping or looking or indicating.
A hundred miles an hour?! You should tell the police! Does Daddy drive that fast?
No Eliza! Put it down. I’ll do it or it’ll go everywhere and then there won’t be any le-…. Ugh.
Mummy. Henry’s still on the Wii. I can hear that car game. Henry! Mummy said…!
Alright, Katy. I’ll deal with it. Just go and get dressed. I need to clear up this pigging mess before it stains.
Everything’s in the laundry basket.
It doesn’t matter. It’s not like the Queen’s coming over.
What shall I wear?
Anything. Anything at all. Just get dressed!
Henry! Turn that stupid Play-X-game-thingy off, fetch me the kitchen roll and then get your bloody backside up here and get some bloody clothes on before I lose my temper! ! QUICKLY!
Puddles! Splash, splash, splash,
Ah. Henry. Thank you. Now go and get dressed. Right, Eliza – stand on this towel. Don’t move.
What shall I wear?
Phone’s ringing Mummy!
Don’t get it! Leave it!
Anything Henry. Just get dressed!
No Katy! I said leave it. I can’t talk to anyone now!
But it might be the Queen!
I can’t reach my t-shirts!
Wear something else then.
Anything. Wear what you wore yesterday.
But it’s dirty.
Who cares. No one will notice.
Mummy. It’s Daddy on the phone.
Oh Katy I said leave it! I’m covered in… and well … Hello? What, now? Well I’m kind of… Right. I’ll go and turn the computer on. Can I email it to you? No. It’s alright. I’ll do it now. Bye. Right Katy. Take Eliza into her room and help her get dressed.
Anything! Just get her dressed.
But she’s covered in calla my lotion…
I don’t care! And why are you wearing a witches costume?
Oh – never mind.
Henry! Finish wiping the bathroom floor for me and then everyone come downstairs!
Oh – why’s this telly still on down here, kids?!
This area of pressure should remain over us for the foreseeable future
You don’t say…
So the sunshine and warmer weather we all woke up to this morning should be hanging around for some time now
We have sun? Ooh look, yes. Hello outside world. Remember us?
Well this is nice, isn’t it?
Why are we having a picnic?
Because it’s fun.
It’s a sandwich.
Yeah, but what’s in it?
I don’t like jam.
Yes you do. Just eat it.
Can’t I have Marmite?
Do you see a jar of marmite in the bag? No, don’t look. Of course there isn’t one there. We’re in the middle of a field having a lovely picnic. I can’t change what food we have now. Just enjoy yourself, will you please, Henry.
OW! It bit me!
What bit you?
Ladybirds don’t bite, Eliza.
It did. I hurt. Ow!
Are there any crisps?
Where would I have got crisps from, Katy?
What shop. We haven’t been to a shop.
Can I have a drink?
Oh. I didn’t bring drinks. I brought fruit.
But I’m thirsty. Like really really thirsty.
I want Daddy!
Yes. Well. That’s great. Thanks. May as well go home I suppose.
Hi folks! How are we all?
Daddy! We had a fab day! We went for a picnic!
Yeah. With sandwiches and everything! You should have been there it was brilliant.
Oh wow. You lucky things. I wish I had been there. You guys have so much fun while I’m out working. Hi love. Thanks for the email. What’s up? Headache? Stressful day?
No more than usual…