Are You My Wife?
Incoming call from Unite International…
– We’ve found him, Miss Ford.
– New Zealand. But… Look. I should warn you, he’s not in a good way. He’s taken an overdose and they’re not very optimistic. It seems he didn’t want to be found. We’ll understand if you don’t want to go. I’ll send you the data results to look at anyway. I’m sorry but it is our duty to give you all the information.
24 hours later…
– Welcome Miss Ford. This way please. How was your flight? I assume you’ve been filled in on the seriousness of his condition? This is the first time he’s been on any database. His profile is completely new to everyone. Such a shame.
Here he is. I can stay – or?
– No. It’s okay. Thank you.
– Are you my wife?
– Apparently we’re one of the best matches ever.
– I’m sorry. I just didn’t like the whole set-up. It’s no way to find a partner.
– It’s worked really well for many other people.
– Yeah. Well. I wanted to meet the girl of my dreams on a beach or in a club, at uni or even in an online chat or whatever… Get to know someone, get to know different girls. Properly. Make mistakes, ya know, be human… Sorry if it… ya know…
– And I’m sorry you’re… That you’re ill.
– Yep. Well. Things didn’t work out. Turns out life sucks. I don’t wanna be around anymore. The world’s got all creepy. Women saying they can’t have a relationship with me because I’m not on the database. Information Technology has made everyone bonkers. It’s just a shame I got found and now I have to die slowly instead of quickly.
– Is there nothing they can do?
– No. It’s too late. My organs are all fucked up. There isn’t enough time for transplants. And I was never on the – ya know…
– …The database?
It’s quiet here. Too quiet. Oh, hey – I made you a music mix.
– But you don’t know my …
– Oh but I do… Here. See the play list?
– Yeah. Great. It’s good. You did well. Man – you really get it. You really get it. It’s perfect.
So… gasp … Tell me. Where’s our house?
– Well… As we both hate the cold and love the sea but we both love British pubs and British humour, live music, green fields, fishing and snuggling up in front of the fire on Christmas morning… I thought maybe Cornwall?
– Yeah. Cornwall is cool. Great place to bring up kids. How many kids?
– Perfect. Ow.
– Are you okay?
– Yeah, yeah… Well, no obviously, but ya know…?
I was thinking about a dog. One of those daffy, long-haired ones that are good with kids like a whadyacall-em? Irish Setter?
– I have an Irish Setter. He’s called Daffy. I really do.
– You do? Unbelieveable man.
– Does it hurt to talk? You’re whispering.
– Come closer. I’m getting weak. Tell me about our children. What are their names?
– Well I’m thinking Anna, Matthew and Thomas?
– Nice ordinary names. Good.
– You teach them how to fish and surf and you build them a tree house and a go-cart and we grow apples and keep goats because we can’t be bothered to mow the lawn. We live outdoors as much as possible in bare feet and we hate the hustle and bustle.
– True. So true. Goats instead of a lawn mower. Ha. You crack me up!
And you….. you ummm….
Nathan. Shall I get someone?
– Sorry. Umm… Getting sleepy.
Did you really wait? Did you wait all this time?
– I was sure. I was just so sure that you were out there. Somewhere. My perfect match.
– Sorry. So sorry. Maybe you were right. I do like you. You seem to fit. Your eyes look familiar. I like the way you smell.
What’s your name?
– Nice straightforward name. Perfect. You’re perfect. You have such a kind smile. I trust you. I always wanted someone I could trust. Hold my hand. Please don’t cry.
I’m sorry Emily.
– No, Nathan. I’m sorry. I made a mistake. All those places you visited. All those lovely places. All the things you did. I should have been out there doing them too. We probably would have met then. But instead I was waiting for the call.