Indecisive

bitter sweet crunch
smooth golden honey
on burnt toast

or:

bitter sweet splinter
of smooth unctuous honey
on crunchy burnt toast

A haiku needs to be simple, accessible to all – adults and children – and say ‘Here, picture this’ (that’s Jane Reichold again). A thing just as it is for someone else to taste, hear, touch, smell or perceive. So surely dressing the second one up just to fit the 17 syllables is taking away from that????? It’s no longer ‘delightfully simple and refreshing’ (J. Reichold p43)

2 thoughts on “Indecisive

  1. Hmmm… I think the bottom one second line is overdescriptive and loses that ‘golden’ imagery from the first which makes it so easy to see in your mind.

    I love the use of the oxymoron though. Good stuff.

    Like

  2. Thanks Dominic. I’m nodding my head (but you can’t see that).

    By the way burnt toast with honey is lovely (and I only said ‘unctuous’ cuz Michel Roux keeps saying it on Master Chef :))

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s